𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐅𝐈𝐅𝐓𝐘 — heart in a vice

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 𝐎𝐍𝐄 𝐖𝐇𝐎𝐋𝐄 𝐖𝐄𝐄𝐊. They had been sailing for an entire week before the ship grew closer to the Northern Coast of Fjerda. Aleksa had awoken early that morning, elbows planted on wooden railings as the Ferolind continued over chilly waves, sailing them with bitter air stinging at the sails.

 But it was nightfall, come their arrival, and looking ahead, everything was white bar the black jagged rocks lining the pebbled shore. The mountains were blanketed in snow. The ground had layers upon layers of soft-looking frost that Aleksa was certainly looking forward to stomping her boots into.

 There were a few little huts along the shore, makeshift piers stretching into the sea. Coils of ropes, old nets and boxes of the villagers' fresh catches lined the wooden and wonky piers. A small whaling community; people who'd sail the seas and haul back their catches only to wrap them up and ship them to Djerholm for a pretty penny.

 With twilight stretching high above their heads, the Ferolind would be safe and sound to dock without the risk of being spotted. Aleksa relished in the nighttime air, the feeling of shadows thriving beneath the moonlight. It was easier to travel at night, without the sun bouncing from ice and snow until they were blind... but it made it far easier to keep them covered, should some unfortunate Fjerdans stumble upon the crew.

 The worst of it was the temperature. Fjerda was freezing, and that was saying something if Aleksa thought the air to be chilly. She had goosebumps on her arms when they'd drawn closer, and it hadn't taken long to disappear below deck and shuffle on her coat. Still, what was it she'd said to Inej the day they'd met? I run hot. That was still true, and hopefully, it would keep her toasty while her Crows found their feathers laden with ice.

 Aleksa had to admit that Fjerda, while a wasteland of nothing but snow and ice... was rather beautiful. It almost looked untouched as the mountains capped with white crawled to the sky, as the snow continued to fall and fill in the footprints formerly stamped into the land.

 Aleksa turned to Matthias as he stood by her side — though there was certainly a great gap between the two — in utter silence, "I have to admit, Fjerda is quite pretty."

 Matthias blinked, arms unfurling from smothering his broad chest as he brooded. He rested his palms atop the railing, surprised to have heard a compliment from the Grisha, "Yes."

 He missed it, that much was clearly obvious from the utter solemness of his tone. Aleksa knew the betrayal of his home still stung deeply within his heart... and she couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe, it felt similar to the guilt within Aleksa's stomach. The guilt that had brewed when Aleksander's truth had come to light; if she had stayed, would things have been different?

 But neither Grisha nor druskelle had the time to dwell on such pasts.

 "You should put more clothes on," Matthias grunted, "You'll get cold."

 "You don't want to see me freeze to death? I truly appreciate the kindness, Helvar."

 He said nothing to that little chime, and Aleksa only grinned, patting his arm as she drifted by, "Don't worry, druskelle, I'm rather hot."

 She could just about make out the shake of his head as she sauntered forth, closer and closer to Inej. Her hair was sleek once more, oil-black strands had been wrangled back into its pristine coil tied at the base of her neck, trailing to the small of her back; Aleksa had tied it off with nimble fingers.

 The Wraith still wasn't quite back on steady feet, for with every harsh jolt of the ocean waves Inej gritted her teeth. Her fingers would fly to the wound just below her breast and she'd clamp her eyes shut as a few shallow breaths escaped her. The cold couldn't have been doing her much good, either.

 "Darling Inej, the light of my life..." Aleksa sang with a voice as sweet as the toffee's Nina had stashed in her coat — a little stash that Aleksa was certainly privy too, and had demanded that sharing, was in fact, caring, "Are you ready to freeze to death? To get imprisoned and scale a shaft filled with fire?"

 Inej grinned, "Well when you put it that way..."

 "I can make some wind with my shadows, if you take the wheel?"

 "The question is... who are we taking back with us?"

 Aleksa slumped against the railings, watching as her hair toppled over the boat's edge. Her reflection wavered in the water... it was still strange to see her own features after watching as a stranger stared back for months on end, "Matthias can stay here. So can Kaz. I might bury them both in the snow."

 "I thought the two of you patched things up?"

 "Me and the druskelle? Certainly not —"

 "— You know I wasn't speaking of Matthias."

 Aleksa groaned like a child; Inej certainly was the light of her life, but she was nothing if not utterly insistent, "We did... I suppose."

 Inej turned whilst her brow climbed the length of her forehead. She'd watched Aleksa move away from the little bout of dancing she'd spurred forth. Jesper and Nina had taken the stand while the others had cheered and clapped... but Inej had watched as Aleksa snuck away towards the wheel, where Kaz Brekker had been looming, "You suppose?"

 "It's tricky with him, isn't it?" An understatement, indeed. But that was how they were; Kaz would be an idiot, Aleksa would be mad... and then, somehow, things softened between them. Little moments where Kaz truly shined through his facade of Dirtyhands.

 Moments like that were worth the anger.

 Aleksa stared over the water, ears almost twitching as the crew aboard the boat continued to prepare for their docking. She had seen Nina slip into her coat and tuck her toes away within fur-lined boots. Jesper had chucked a thick jacket over him, sure to flick the flowing material back so that his petulant flair for the dramatics could still be seen amidst woven wools and itchy furs.

 They'd be leaving soon enough, ready to trek through icy fields with but one Fjerdan to follow.

 Aleksa pushed her hair back, tucking the free strands behind her ears, careful as to not snag the sparse few braids Inej had lovingly crafted on her nails, "I don't know. I find my patience thinner now."

 Inej nodded, it made sense. After a war filled with blood and ashes. The Fold and the black Heretic... Inej placed a hand on Aleksa's shoulder, "You fought in a war, Aleksa. Against your own —" Inej dropped her gaze to the ocean waters. It wasn't just him, either. She'd lost a lot more than she let people know.

 The witty attitude, the fluttering lashes and coy grins were all a mask; she'd lost friends... and though The Black Heretic might have been awful in every sense of the word, he had been family, "You've lost a lot, so you have every right to snap at him. Saint's, we all thank you for it, I'm certain I even spotted a smile on Matthias' face."

 "He's probably just happy I'm not threatening him."

 "Very true."

 Aleksa tipped her head to the side, planting it upon Inej's shoulder. She could always trust her Wraith to make things better. However... the knowledge that Inek was privvy to, that somebody could see through the slivers of her shield made her stomach turn.

 Aleksa had thought she'd hidden it well; hell she hadn't been caught staring over at Alexander's quivering illusion the entire trip. She hadn't had Jesper poke and prod and ask if his little ladybug was alright.

 But of course Inej had spied the small bursts of sadness, of mourning. Mourning for Alina and Mal. Grief for what her fellow Grisha had been subjected to all because Aleksander had grown bitter at them for choosing to follow the Sun Summoner. Loss of self... that was the hardest. She'd tried her best to remain intact throughout their journey to seize all of Morozova's amplifiers, and yet...

 Aleksa cleared her throat, hand swiftly shoved within the depths of her pocket. A small blade was tucked away, and she ran her pointer along its hilt while her other hand curled inwards, dragging along the shadows. They tittered at the ship's edge, crawling up and around the wood until the railing bubbled like a boiling kettle.

 Aleksa reached for them, fingers drifting through the smoke, "I should tell someone what happened, shouldn't I?"

 Inej frowned, and while a year ago she'd have shuddered at the sight of crawling shadows eating away at any source of light, she wiggled her fingers, watching as they coiled around her thumb, "What do you mean?"

 Flashes of blood. Of knives and dust. That's all Aleksa could ever see. She'd seen Oomen through tunnel vision, but his face had shifted into something far more familiar. The knife plunged within his flesh had been for Inej, when his face was still that of a Barrel thug... but when the cut had formed... It wasn't some gang member staring back.

 The past was haunting, and that was more evident than ever as she felt the ghost of a hand slide up her arm. Aleksa's teeth clattered together, her entire body going rigid as the moment passed. Then, Aleksa exhaled, "I mean everything. The war. What Alek— what the Black Heretic did to us all. What inevitably befell him."

 "You should. I think —" Inej twisted, eyes no longer cast to the ocean, seaspray banished by the hood hunched at her shoulders, "It could help... but you don't have to. Nobody can make you."

 "Even thinking about it all is hard. I was somebody... then I had to play the part of someone new... and she experienced things that I can't seem to forget. It keeps me up at night."

 "I know it does," Inej admitted. She glanced down at the knives on her belt; they'd all cast aside their beloved weapons and replaced them with duller, far more boring versions. Her beloved knives with the names of saints were tucked in her cabin, right beside Aleksa's beloved obsidian bow while a boring, oak-wood one was perched by the wheel, "I've seen you pacing the Crow Club... and this ship."

 "You're only just recovering, and yet you still seek out secrets..."

 "I don't seek your secrets. I never have, but when I hear somebody pacing and gasping for air, it's quite hard to ignore."

 "Then don't ignore it," Aleksa managed a smile, her voice lowering, "But it stays between us."

 "Of course."

 Aleksa narrowed her gaze, while Inej Ghafa was being entirely truthful, there was something else. Everyone aboard the ship had their tells, you just had to know where to look, and you had you look close enough. Inej would dart her eyes to the side as though a leaf blowing in the wind had caught her attention.

 In the frozen lands of Fjerda... there was very little that she could have been looking for.

 "There's something you aren't telling me, Inej," Aleksa said, tipping closer.

 "Kaz knows too."

 "You —"

 Inej shook her head, "I didn't say a thing. He was – I think he was coming to talk to you last night, but the moment he saw me, he carried on and up to the deck." Inej tiptoed, her voice as light as her feet upon a tightrope, "There's something there."

 Saint's, Aleksa really wasn't ready for this conversation. It had been so much easier when they'd been trying to get their sticky little fingers on Alina Starkov. There was little time to sit and chatter like a couple of gossiping mother hens. Aleksa flirted about as much as anyone possibly could. Her smiles were flirtatious, her hands and her lashes. Her words were the worst of it... but it was all fun.

 Except with pretty boy. It had all been very easy to ignore for a while, but then Kaz let her in. Step by step he let her draw closer and closer like a feral cat finally relenting to a pat on the head; it was then that Aleksa saw something new. She started to notice his eyes, though she always had... but the way they lay upon her whenever she looked through a window, whenever she focused on a task.

 Kaz would clear his throat and look away, busying himself.

 She couldn't quite recall when it started... but soon those flirtatious comments to anyone and everyone... started to dwindle. Kaz became her target, he received the brunt of it all. And though Aleksa still spared coy grins and velvet-laced words for everyone else, they never meant a thing.

 Hell, the last person to have put their hands upon her bare flesh had been Nikolai Lanstov. In the midst of royal wine and food lining their guts, as the pair had grown closer and closer as their words and voices grew huskier and quieter, they'd soon found themselves within his chambers.

 She'd been wearing a different face, playing a different role... Lissa. Her other self hadn't come from Ketterdam, she hadn't been a thug or thief and she certainly hadn't known a boy called Kaz Brekker... and yet she thought of him. When hands curled into flesh she thought of him. When lips trailed the slope of her neck, she thought of him.

 She tried so hard to clear that face from her mind... and yet, when it was over and done with, as the windows wept with condensation and the sheets remained rumpled beneath their bodies... Aleksa had looked Nikolai in the eyes, and she'd seen another man.

 Inej waited in a still silence. Even as the crew hauled to and fro, as Nina pottered past whilst wrangling her hair into a braided updo. As Jesper swooped by, poking and prodding at Wylan's swiftly dwindling sanity...

 "As observative as ever." Aleksa eventually relented, her voice smaller than Inej had ever heard it, "As I said, I'm a fool, aren't I?"

 "No. I don't think so... You..." Inej struggled for a moment, after all, this was Kaz Brekker they were speaking of. Nobody in their right mind would think the boy sweet and caring, ruthless and bloodthirsty perhaps, "He's different with you. He lets you say the things you say all the while entertaining you, Saints, I've seen him smile with you. And you're softer with him, you know? You might call both of us dear, but you say it in two very different ways. When you say it to him, it's like you're coaxing him towards you."

 "Is that so?" Aleksa muttered. She supposed... yes. Inej, as ever, was quite right. She always meant those words and names when it came to Kaz, and while Inej was certainly a dear, Kaz was her dear. Her pretty boy. Her idiot. She'd truly realised that when Kaz had admitted that he needed her, when she had told him... that she had her.

 That was still true, despite it all, Aleksa was his. Then, now, and however long she'd live...

 "Could it ever work?" Aleksa felt like a child asking such a question, like a little girl running home to their mother with bright cheeks, and hair tied in ribbons as she spoke ever so sweetly about her crush. But that wasn't them. Aleksa wasn't a blushing little girl, and Kaz was, well, Kaz.

 "I can't answer that. The two of you are —" Inej smiled, "You're not like many other people, he's him and you're you —"

 "— I'm so happy I received such an insightful answer."

 Inej's arm darted out, a light slap to the shoulder, "It could. If you want it to, it could work. But you both have to work on yourselves... His aversion to touch, you're... well, I don't know what it is you see, but I've noticed the way you look off into the distance, like a ghost is calling to you."

 So somebody had noticed, delightful.

 Inej spoke gently, her fingers as light as a feather as they curled around Aleksa's hand, "But the two of you... you know how to get what you want. It's never stopped either of you before. Don't let it stop you now."

 Aleksa stared at their hands, the way scars the colour of pearl strings glinted up at them. Inej had done it; she'd broken past that barrier that kept her from seeking comfort in touch. After the people who had smeared her body with vulgar hands and fingers... she could reach out. She'd overcome it. It was still a work in progress, of course... but it could happen.

 Then, Aleksa's mouth decided to take on a mind of its own. Her lips parted and her words merged together like a babbling toddler, "I slept with the prince."

 Inej blinked. Then she blinked again.

 "You —" Inej faltered, brown eyes blew ever so wide. She'd even dropped Aleksa's hand, "You — with Nikolai Lanstov?"

 Aleksa's lips curled inwards, leaving a thin line where they had once rested. She bobbed her head, utterly silent as she watched Inej struggle to figure out what the hell was appropriate to say.

 "Forgive me for assuming... But, you don't sound happy about the fact." Inej suddenly felt her stomach drop, as though the bottom of the ship's deck had caved and she toppled over the edge, drawing closer and closer to the frozen waters, "He didn't —"

 "No! No, I swear... We were just rather drunk, it was late and suddenly..." Aleksa heaved a great sigh as she recalled Nikolai's face, the way he'd run a hand over her cheek, stopping to pinch her chin so very softly.

 He'd known. He'd said as much.

 'Who were you thinking of?' The prince had asked, and Aleksa had taken a hold of his hand, eyes boring into the hefty rings clinging to the fingers that had been the first to trail the length of her in months, 'A very pretty boy' was all she'd responded, shortly followed by an apology that was nothing if not meek and flooded with a foreign sense of shame.

 "I wasn't thinking of Nikolai." Aleksa admitted, tongue trailing over her teeth as her brows cinched together, "I thought of that idiot. Of how It felt wrong, how I felt as though I'd wronged him in some way. I know I didn't... but even after all the time that had passed, it was always him... always Kaz."

 "Oh, Aleksa." And Inej brought her close. She could smell the scent of rose wafting from those loose curls, the light twinge of something else from the coat around her shoulders, "Maybe, when we're back in Ketterdam..."

 "You think I should tell him?"

 "I think you need to."

 Her stomach was in absolute knots. This wasn't something that ever happened. Feelings were never quite... involved. Night beside men and women, those were all fleeting and fun, full of excitement and control.

 But Kaz bloody Brekker had managed to weasel those gloved fingers through her ribs, seizing her heart in an iron grip. He was unrelenting, squeezing tighter and tighter whenever their eyes met and lingered.

 "Of all people," Aleksa scoffed.

 But Inej shrugged and said just one thing, "I saw it coming."

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DATE: 18-07-2024

haha, it's me, your girl, 'miss disappears every time she updates'

anyway, i LOVE THIS CHAPTER, i loooovvveeee inej and aleksa, but most of all, i love this insight into Aleksa's mind -- her mourning, her loss of self after wearing another woman's face, the way she feels as though everything 'lissa' experienced isn't hers... ugh, aleksa is my girl

please remember to leave feedback & comments. i require a certain number of comments before i publish the next update. do not leave 'update' comments, you will be muted.